One Hundred Fifty-Two

When you begin to come out of a dream, the mind usually remains teetering on the anvil between real and almost real--a few long moments of 'did that really happen', and 'was I really there'. but I came out of a dream yesterday and reality was nothing short of a metal fist punch to my teeth--there was no doubt that what I was experiencing was real, and that what I'd been believing was an evening fantasy.

One Hundred Fifty-One

So, idle hands are supposedly the tools of the devil....hmmm, I thought it would have been the mouth.

One Hundred Fifty

My life moves in a spiral not a circle--it may seem like I'm reliving and reviving the same scene, but I'm not. Each turn of the wheel brings new perspective to what's been done before--another chance to rewrite an ending, and to realize that the ending I'm rewriting today will perhaps be recreated and reopened on the next cycle.

One Hundred Forty-Nine.Five

Frustration--the coked up cousin of depression paid me a visit this evening. He said he only wanted to talk--a few quick words about the ocean--but what he really came for was a chance to peal a few more years off my life. I don't know how many days have been stripped and tossed onto the cutting room floor, but it's getting close. I can almost see the advancing army of my death when I climb the tall hills.

One Hundred Forty-Nine

I'm learning. Learning how to detach and be without emotion--not easy for a Cancer. My normal operating procedure is to react viciously and violently, to route out the cause of my displeasure and dispose of it. I'll tell you something, I'm not liking this yet--maybe when I can master detachment, but for now, fuck them and fuck you.

One Hundred Forty-Eight

Is it so wrong to pine for her when she's away. If life was not meant to be enjoyed then it would not have been given to me. Her soul is the reason I was created--to seek her out, to find her, embrace her, and then relive a thousand lives. I inhale her breath, and then, just as clay, I'm formed into the perfect companion of her love.

One Hundred Forty-Seven

She's a witch. There can be no doubt, for how can my day move so fast when I'm locked in her embrace, and yet, time seems to stop as I lay with her. She controls the moon and the stars. The heavens are dust trickling from her clenched fist.

One Hundred Forty-Six

I finished the walls during the evening--great towering battlements designed to keep the evil part of you away. These are boundaries that will not be crossed, and no matter what you do, or how terribly you inflict damage upon yourself, I will not lower the gate. There are casualties in war my dear and I mean to see your disease die.

One Hundred Forty-Five

I was assailed yesterday and that is my excuse for no blog. I could get no communication out from behind the battle lines. Lives were lost--small soldiers of love were brutally torn to pieces and their headless bodies were thrown down onto the rocks.

One Hundred Forty-Four

Is it harder than your heart, the cold floor I sit on as I type, or, is it harder than the path we've chosen to walk down as we try and love each other. You say you don't need group, that you're going to do this, and you're going to do that. I've read the pamphlets, I've done my homework, and those little promises of "I'm getting help" are delusional or just downright deceitful.

One Hundred Forty-Three

A day with my children. Not a drunken no show father day where my kids are searching for me in abandoned cars and parks. Not an evening filled with broken hearts and police siren love songs. Today is the beach--white sand and kisses, swimsuits and sand castles. Today is a day where they won't worry about the man that's supposed to protect them.

One Hundred Forty-Two

I see you, peeping over the blanket at your lover.

One Hundred Forty-One

If I'm going to be a cartoon I might as well be a good one.

One Hundred Forty

I'm willing but only if you show the way. I will not, can not, if you won't.

One Hundred Thirty-Nine

So, I got this like, instruction booklet, for you or something. Its pretty detailed, and I'm not sure about some of the bigger words, but I'll muddle through it, I guess. I'm a bit confused though. It has all this shit about how I'm supposed to be all tolerant and loving and shit, but it doesn't give any rules for you. It looks like you're allowed to just say and do whatever the fuck you want and I'm supposed to just take it. How is that fair? Where's the chapter on me getting my mind cleared, or my feelings removed? Where the fuck is the chapter that says every thing's gonna be all right? Where's the part about you wanting to be better, and working your ass off to get healthy? I think I better re-read or get a fucking translator.

One Hundred Thirty-Eight

So, the liar finally tells the truth. You want incentive? You want to disappear? Well, let me tell you something, there will be a stiff breeze blowing towards Los Angeles this morning--why don't you hang your selfishness on it, and get a free ride back to the land of aviators and cargo shorts.

One Hundred Thirty-Seven

A world of wealth surrounds you and yet, you remain in poverty--a black square on an uneven board.

One Hundred Thirty-Six.Five

I've always loved the deep--the dark depths of the ocean that you can only view after you've been down a while--you see, it takes time for your eyes to get used to the dark. I came across an anchor once, i was bouncing along, one foot at at a time touching the sand, and there it was, hidden in a crevasse, corroded from years of neglect, and wrapped around it--it's arms intertwined with the ancient iron, a skeleton, your skeleton, hanging tightly to the old things that brought you down.

One Hundred Thirty-Six

I have nothing to say. Well, maybe nothing to say that's negative or thought provoking, I'm pretty content these days.

One Hundred Thirty-Five

I like old dead cowboys--rustlers, and one-eyed carpetbaggers. I'm not a fan of today's new cow pokes though, too many of them are still breathing.

One Hundred Thirty-Four

I'm not a believer of reincarnation but somedays I wish I was. I've made a mess of this life--sure, from the uninvolved interested observer it's been a fun ride, but you're not on the track--spinning out of control with a suitcase of wreckage--fuck, I don't know what it would even look or feel like if things went right.

One Hundred Thirty-Three

A great big head and a body to match, it's either that, or my sweet disposition that convinces others to use me as an emotional punching bag.

One Hundred Thirty-Two

How many days are going to be labeled 'not one of my best' before I learn a different way--keep my mouth shut, cut people off. I'm depressed and close to some sort of edge--this isn't to be posted

One Hundred Thirty-One

I pulled her semi-clad body against mine--from the waist down we were both naked. I gently, but with intent, slid my hands down to the small of her back, and at the same time I pressed my mouth--slightly opened, against hers. I drank from my love.

To be continued...

One Hundred Thirty

I was sitting on a park bench--you beside me, my hand on a cane. You were young my dear, younger than you are now, but your eyes carried the same sparkling soft hurt that they bare today. You loved me, and I you, but seeing that picture reminded me that you would be a young widow and I would selfishly abandon you like all the rest had done--albeit I abandoned you at deaths hands, and had not the choice to stay.

One Hundred Twenty-Nine

What is it with you? I wake up and you start throwing things at me. First it's my girl--she's upset about a slight that I don't even remember giving, and then, at the coffee club, you put some idiot in charge of the discussion--anonymity breaking long talking fool. So I think, well, maybe it's just a hiccup in what's going to be an incredibly beautiful day, but I'm not so sure. Should I go back to bed, wake up tomorrow and start again, or, should I ride it out--grab a bear rifle and face whatever comes with an attack and kill demeanor? I don't know, but when I figure it out, you be sure and give me your best shot, hunh?

One Hundred Twenty-Eight

You've almost been better than you've ever been, except for last week, you were pretty fucking awesome last week, and consistent--you were awesome, and consistent, try to beat that.

One Hundred Twenty-Seven

I can feel it--a disturbing buzz swarming about the room. Is it tension on my part--a bit too much coffee this afternoon, or is it something more sinister? What's going on baby? Can you feel that? Is there something you'd like to talk about, or, do you enjoy the suspense?

One Hundred Twenty-Six

You blew me out today darling. I knew the program worked, but I forgot how well, and then you hit me this morning--a roundhouse swing of pure unadulterated love. I was shamed by the amount of compassion that you showed. What do you want from me? Just name it, and if its mine to give, it's yours.

One Hundred Twenty-Five

I'm supposed to give you advice. A 'How-To' on anything that I might know something about. Hmmm, what would that be? The only thing I know anything about is, how to be me, and why would you want that? You have a hard enough time being you--the edges of others are constantly bleeding into your box.

One-Hundred Twenty Four

Paranoid: Thinking that captcha's are spelling out potential suitors names. I was thinking of you, minding my own business, posting about our love, when his name appeared. There it was, hovering in a captcha--a seal on my post, the name 'That Jason.' Who the fuck is Jason and what do you have to do with him?

One-Hundred Twenty Three

You're on a roll--cuddling me, kissing me, and being as nice to me as I've ever seen--but don't be too nice, nobody likes too nice. Too nice means you're up to something.