Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I missed you today. I know that sounds pedestrian and trite, but if you saw the way you woke up, me missing you would seem unbelievable. You told me you didn't sleep. You called me a time thief. You hung up on me when I teased. And you know what I did? When you were sassing me I studied your lips--they were smooth and sweet, slightly wet and parted. When you hung up on me I admired the quickness in your stroke, your determination, and your force. You can't scare me away, I'm big, and I'm a perfect being.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
The ocean is getting warmer, the sun closer to the roof of the building I live in. When I got home I opened the windows and the stale air of the room sucked in the sunlight. I waited, let it inhale a great breath, and then I shut the curtains--thick, satiny cloth, that held the wind inside. I made my bed, and burrowed in to the sheets that were laid out in the now dark room. I love the summer, the way it bangs on the window begging for attention.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
I'm giving you a kiss goodbye this morning or, a kiss hello after a long night of being away. You can look at it however you want, but then, you already knew that didn't you. I neglected you yesterday and that's no way to keep a relationship alive and healthy. You're important to me and I'm...what? Did you just say, 'If you were so important to me I wouldn't have neglected you?' hmmm, can we just move on?
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I was asleep and needed to be woken to write this. Was it worth it? As far as literary merit is concerned probably not, but for disciplines sake, of course. 55 days of laying it down--short or long, poor or strong, I've stayed true. You know, I've been in many relationships where I wasn't as dedicated, or as faithful, as I've been to this blog.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
They came at night and moved the furniture. I woke up with my head underneath the T.V. and my legs on the sofa. When I got up to use the toilet I went down--legs over head, chin into carpet, pee into air. A footstool, a fucking footstool left in the hallway.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Is this what 'better' is--being told it's "None of your fucking business," and "Can you move your leg away from mine?" I'm not cut out of the victim cloth. I don't like it, and life is too short, to spend it being disliked--especially from those closest to you.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Is it a good thing that I know the difference between 'abusive,' and 'non-abusive'? There is a fine line you know. Let me give you an example:
Saturday, March 20, 2010
"If you're going to be a piece of shit, you might as well be a big one." I hurt my girl last night and now I'm up at 4:00 am sick to my stomach. I got carried away and couldn't calm down--my head stuck on something that wasn't a big deal. She asked me to stop, and I wouldn't, or couldn't at the time. It wasn't violent, it was just mean, and I have some fucking nerve making a woman that loves me as much as she does cry.
Friday, March 19, 2010
I'm tired, and I don't have the discipline to keep working when I'd rather sleep. I'm almost done, the outline sketched in my brain, my fingers are doing their best to paint within the lines, but, you know how I get. you don't? Well let me tell you...I'm even too lazy to finish this sentanc
Thursday, March 18, 2010
If you were looking at photographs, I could lay out ten of myself, and you would think that the images of ten brothers lay before you. This one is sad, and if you place the happy one next to the angry one, you can really see the resemblance, but only in the eyes. None of these looks like the same man. "But I've seen lots of pictures of you Jack, and they do all look alike."
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I'm thankful for my life today. Now, I don't know why, that on this day, more than others, you look kinder, sweeter, and softer to the touch, but the negative parts of your character--that I've struggled with in the past, just don't seem so glaring today. I love you all, and I thank you for your continued contact with me.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I'm doing okay, maybe a bit stressed, but okay. I've changed my eating habits, sworn off the shit one more time. If I was cloning, this diet plan would be 'plan ninethousandtwohundredsix.' However, I've never failed at eating well, I've just discovered nine-thousand-two-hundred and five ways not to do it.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
"It's a pleasure to meet you." I just brought forty-eight years of baggage out of my closet and threw it on the table. I was afraid, but looking at it in the light, it's not that bad. I've done a lot of sorting. The Goodwill has gotten most of my things. Now, compared to her, she might be a lot younger than I, but her luggage can often be heavier, actually, quite a lot heavier, and they should be glad she has a strong man to help her lift it when she tires.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Its beautiful here, cold and crisp, shades of deep greens and browns laying on a soft bed of white. She hurts me often and wether its from me being overly sensitive, or her being overly insensitive, it doesn't matter. I'm not sure what its like outside. The curtains are drawn, the chill only in this room.
Friday, March 12, 2010
If I had to spell 'cat' fifty times in a row, and I couldn't 'F' it up once, under punishment of getting my fingers broken, I'd be screwed. If I had to speak a thousand words but not drop one 'F-Bomb, under punishment of getting my foot slammed in a car door, I'd be limping. So, I can't spell and I have a foul mouth, what does that really mean anyway?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The words are coming slow today. Meetings and hair-cuts have taken the place of a blistered finger.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
"There's something sexy in commitment and being trusted." That sounded weird coming out of my mouth--almost like I just said I dig granny panties and flesh colored bras, but I mean it. And on the other hand, there is something very un-sexy about mistrust. I've developed a revulsion for being accused when not guilty, a withering of the libido when I'm not honored as she is. Maybe it's backlash from years of crap behavior on my end. Maybe I feel the need to be recognized for being as any man should be, but whatever it is, when I'm questioned, accused, sniffed, and prodded, you might as well throw cold water on the bed, because I ain't laying down in it.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
It's not abnormal behavior, as far as humans go, but it is strange for me. I used to have to fight my own instincts, my mind against body, but now I'm alligned on a level that I did not know existed. I'd like to blame it on her, because that's my standard operating procedure, but I won't. I think I've grown up. But don't get too worried, you who enjoy my reckless self-destructive streaks, I haven't grown up completely, I've just matured in an area that I never thought I'd grow in. Have I ripened? Fuck no, and I hope I never do, for the ripe fruit rots on the vine, I've just become drinkable--of an age some might find delightful, bold, yet innocent, subtle, nuances of unmanageability, a vintage most enjoyable.
Monday, March 8, 2010
I think I might actually get this done. I put down a list of thank-you's today. It was short, but I meant what I said. "Without you, I could not..." I started this project in the late fall of 2005, egged on by my friend Bobby. It was "put up, or shut, up Jack". Fuck, has it really been that long? Of damage to my soul, there has been some. I've been forced to question what most 'believers' take for granted, but I'm looking forward to having a sense of accomplishment... I wonder what that feels like?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
You'll never catch me rocking out to the Lord. No hands held in the air, head back with my eyes closed. I prefer to meet the maker one step below ecstatic. I like to discuss theory, concept, design. I want to know how you work your belief into your life. I like to sit quiet and listen for the silence.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I refuse to claim grace. Its prideful, arrogant, and unfeeling to say God stepped in and helped me. Why me, and not him, is a question I refuse to ask. I thank God daily for the gifts I've been given, and I thank him when those gifts are removed....
"For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High. Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit." (Isaiah 14:13-15)
Friday, March 5, 2010
"Do you miss me Bear?"
Thursday, March 4, 2010
It's feeling like one of those days. Fighting with the ex--well, not fighting really, just re-examining the reasons we are no longer together. News Flash---The gentleman from the 700 club just informed me that my brain had shrunk, and I was no longer capable of experiencing the depth of emotion needed to maintain a long-lasting vibrant relationship.