Sunday, February 28, 2010

Day Twenty-Nine

"I flicked the lighter open, and I touched my flame to the lips of the petrol—a Zippo kiss in the dark. The love that was returned was a deep voluminous flash that rolled over me and caused me to fade back, before I leaned in to inhale the burn."

I love a good fire; especially if I start it.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Day Twenty-Eight

A willingness to forgive, to be less strong, and to be flexible, is what it takes to love. She's worth it to me. At only five months, we're still trying to fit in each others skins. She tries me on, I'm stubborn, prideful, and a bit of a baby. I slip into her being, and she's moody, quick to anger, and doesn’t like to be teased. But then, while wearing me, she suddenly feels kindness, caring, and an ability to be soft. And I, wrapped in her, suddenly sense an overwhelming love for the less fortunate; a sparkle in the eye when I see the beautiful complexity of a child, and a forgiveness that I never knew existed.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Day Twenty-Seven

And as we lay on the bed, you face down, chin on the pillow, looking towards the window, and I, lips settled into the small of your back, and my hand resting on your inner thigh. You just informed me that I don't speak your language, however, the man you use to sleep with does. You were never physical, you told me, you felt safe there and he never laid a hand on you. Okay, I believe you, but If you think that makes me feel better, you’re on something not prescribed. All that tells me is, the nights that we don’t touch, when my hands are laying silent at my sides, that you and I are not connected in anyway; very comforting my dear.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Day Twenty-Six

The old feeling of being jinxed crept up on me last night. Well, I don't know if crept is really the right word, more like I lifted up the toilet seat and saw my life in the bowl. I know what I am, the good, and the not quite so good, the positive, and the negative. These lines are wrapped like a four toned sucker and the flavors run together. Sometimes I wish I could truly see myself from the outside, and maybe then, I'd take guidance and direction from someone who knew what they were talking about.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Day Twenty-Five 022410

In the year of our Lord Two-Thousand Ten; I love the way that sounds, all fucking Star Trek and shit. Too bad we don't have flying saucers with laser torpedoes. I'd love to take one of those ships up and attack a few buildings with it. Maybe I'd blow the foundation out of the Hoover Dam and watch the lake get real full real fast. I've been writing about carnivals today--Tilt-a-Whirls and cotton candy. I love carnies, spaceships, and games that are rigged to make you lose. By the way, how are you enjoying your life?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Day Twenty-Four

A great day yesterday. I finished chapter two and sent it off to New York, and then I made a big dent in chapter three, and should (without a fucking jinx getting up on it), have it finished early this week. I got to write about my father hog-tying me yesterday, what fun, the ranch comes to Long Beach. There's nothing like having your little legs wrapped in rope while you piss yourself!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Day Twenty-Three

I’m off to a slow start today. I picked a bumpier road to head down, which in the end, will supply us with a ride that is more fun, however, getting started can be about a bitch. I've got a line or two left on chapter two and then the road dips hard to the left. It's a stretch with no stops, and no comfort. Close to seven-thousand pages of tears and disillusionment are promised ahead. Maybe I should strap myself to the hood, that way I won't be able to get off if I puss out.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Day Twenty-Two

I got a message from God last night. He asked me to stop by the store and pick up some Metamucil and prune juice. I love having a one-on-one relationship with.............. (left blank on purpose). The writing is going well, second chapter being ready to make an email trip to New York, and I'm getting set to break out the bong, and start talkin' 'bout drugs.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Day Twenty-One

I talked with a few friends yesterday that claim to enjoy my blog, and video posts. I enjoyed their claiming. It's nice to post things, although self satisfying, but it's even nicer to have someone say "I understand," or "You made me think...". It's good to connect, to feel not so alone, to belong.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Day Twenty

Today is a day of editing, and hearing an opinion other than mine. I'll fight for what I believe in, but I will also acquiesce to my editor’s voice, because I trust it, and I trust her to look out for my best interests. I'm not surprised when I've missed a word on a line, or when I'm reading something not as it’s written. The mind is so strong that 'it' will see what 'it' wants to see, regardless of what's actually on the page.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Day Nineteen

I'm wondering which way this book is going to go. I'll work on a section, thinking I know where it fits in the tale, and then it just doesn't seem right there, another section takes its place, another story that I'd forgotten steps in and does a better job of conveying the mood. The work is dictating how it wants to be completed, I'm being used by this book.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Day Eighteen

Yesterday my partner got upset with me, and I lost it. She saw something that disagreed with her, and acted out on it. I was sitting at my desk, when she walked over to me ( or sent me a text) and said "I need space," and then she packed to leave. I didnt know what was happening, I thought she was joking at first, but then when I realized she was being real. I was with my daughter (who was injured at the time, and i couldnt leave her) so I had no way to even defend myself against her accusations. I had to just take it. Fear came over me, and then return anger. Angry that she would hit me when I wasn't able to defend.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Day Seventeen

I learned about nightmares yesterday. A nightmare is not a bad dream; it's when a 'mare' visits you at night, sits on your chest, and holds you down when you wake. I suffer from sleep paralysis sometimes (thankfully not lately), and it's terrifying. These are the times that I wake and my body won't move. I'm completely conscious, I can hear the sounds in the room, I can feel my body on the bed, and yet I have no control of my motor-functions. Some people claim that this is an out-of-body experience, and others think that we're being visited by demons. People have been known to see spirits when they're in this sort of paralysis.
"In Old English the name for these beings was mare or mære."

Monday, February 15, 2010

Day Sixteen

The realization that I'd never truly loved someone (that I was sleeping with) came this morning. I could be unconditional with friends, but once I became attached physically, I became afraid.
I'm in a relationship with a woman that I love--meaning, I'm willing to let her be whatever she wants to be. And although afraid of losing her, her interests are important to me, and I support whatever path she chooses.
I'm sorry for the way I treated my past affairs--women that deserved my love and got none, and I wish they could forgive me my inability at those times. Maybe if I thought there was more to life than this short span on earth, I would be less afraid, more willing to let go,but I do not. For me, life is short and I am so very selfish, but my love for her has over-ridden my fears, and I'm willing to open my hands and release her.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Day Fifteen

Up early, but not really working. I'm bummed at my girl. She likes the fight, the feeling of separation...I don't.

I got some great work done yesterday, covered some teenage ground. It was fun writing about my first dealings with the police...
Mercy-mercy-mercy. Head please leave me alone.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Day Fourteen

A lazy day. Its 4:02 in the pm and I'm not dressed. Yes, I was up earlier, but after a few groggy half-hours I jumped back into bed. I need to start writing.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Day Thirteen

I dreamed of being in jail. I was in a mod with men, women, and children--my children. There was a group of men there that wanted me dead and they started a riot so they could get to me. There were guards everywhere, and we were backed down a hallway towards a dorm. Kate suddenly appeared by my side and put her hand on my arm. It was then that I heard "She's dead. It was the chick from the Phoenix house. Does anybody know her people?" I was up...

Stewart's service was yesterday. I sat quietly in the back with Kate, and I cried when they recited the 'Prayer of the Faithful.' I wish I would've went to the reception afterward but at the time I felt, I regret it.
"Many people die by violence, war, and famine each day. Show your mercy to those who suffer so unjustly these sins against your love, and gather them to the eternal kingdom of peace. We pray to the Lord….“Lord Hear our Prayer”

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Day Twelve

Another 4am wake-up. Her bed was empty this morning, and yet, I felt a slight sense of relief that she slept out. I don't want her to feel trapped here. Suffocated is suffocated, whether by love or by hate.

There's a funeral today that I must attend, and I'm rolling in angry. I loved him, but I hated what he stood for. I hated those around him that profited from the same piracy, created the same fence around the swimming hole, and stood there as the elite.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Day Eleven

Got off my ass today and got some fresh air. A nice four mile walk along the wetlands with Kate. It felt good to breathe. Normally, I spend my days holed up in an office inhaling sandlewood incense and pounding coffee. I'm on a bit of a health-kick now, however, I'm not sure if 'health-kick' is the right phrase. I cut out the crap food, and the sugar (again) for three days so thats my 'health-kick,' probably just normal living, but maybe whatever depression I'm carrying may lift. Depression? Yeah I've suffered quite a few blows this year, and I'm a bit down, also, going through early childhood trauma in the process of writing doesnt exactly help either.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Day Ten

4:47 and I'm up. I felt overwhelmed yesterday. My one finger typing skills and abscence of grammer knowledge is kicking my ass. I spent ten hours on one page, three-hundred words, twenty lines. Ever see a grown man cry?

"The old Hebrews used to call their Angels “Those who stand still,” and the name they gave themselves was “those that walk.” If a demon was ever called anything, it was usually prefaced with a very terrified, “Oh my God!” "

Monday, February 8, 2010

Day Nine

Under the gun to get this finished. Time went so slow at the end of my last life, but in this one, the days are a playing-card clothes-pinned to a bike wheel--the spokes driving it forwards, the speed frightening. Too fast to stick a finger in and stop it.
I woke sobbing this morning. In my dream my littlest had been taken from me. I was at a bar in South America drinking cranberry juice off my friend Vern's tab. I pulled a picture of my daughter from my deceased fathers wallet. I showed it to two drunken old women. My daughters hands in focus as I cried...

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Day Eight

Some things I'd rather forget. My mind has a mind of its own. Cruising over the past I stop to focus on what could possibly be an unattractive moment, and my mind refuses to bring it clear. The memories are shadows standing under my glance, shapeless forms waiting to be seen, to perform once again for me. I can see them tapping their feet, "Lets get it on" impatiently one of them yells from the haze--I think its the blurred image of a boy I beat with a stick in the 6th grade.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Day Seven

I love the rain. I don't like getting wet in my clothes (hence I wander about shoeless when it pours) however, nothing sets up mood like a grey rainy day. I open the curtains, and the window just a crack. I let the cold breeze in, but I try to keep the water from puddling on the floor. My coffee is sitting on the corner of the desk, and the smoke from the incense (Frankincence.) drifts up from the holder. Paint the picture, and the words come. How could they not, they're fighting to come out, just as the rainwater fights towards the sea.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Day Six

4:30 A.M. and I'm already at it. I'm stuck on a section and its kicking my ass--in a fly swimming round my head kind of way. Kate and George are sleeping and I just fired up my first cup of coffee. I love this new instant crap. It tastes pretty good and its easy, boil water add packet.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Day Five

I lost my friend Stewart yesterday. Looks like a heart-attack. He was about four years younger than my fourty-eight. I've lost a lot of friends. His story--at least as it pertains to me, is in a chapter of this book that I havent cleaned up yet. I named him Richie, not that he wouldnt have liked the stories about him, but you never know.

"He was real, meaning I knew him--unlike most of my aquaintences that choose to remain hidden, afraid of themselves, afraid of a world that might not like the truth, so they sacrifice the vision of God in themselves for a lie."

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Day Four

I was accused of drifting into the land of erotica yesterday. I'm not sure if I can help it. My pen, or my typing hands, take on their own life when I let go. Sometimes acting out angrilly, stabbing thrusts onto the page, and at other times, soft easy flourishes of the mind gently spill across the screen. I'm not going to edit, judge, or control, I'm just going to let it out.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Day Three

I finished the first chapter yesterday--0-7 the developmental years of a child. Now don't get scared thinking I have another 41 years to go before you see it, because the book is basically done, I'm just hammering out rewrites and revisions for the editor. I'm launching into the world of the pre-teen today--you know; drugs, booze, sexual experimentation, and stealing the car. ("he did say pre-teen didn't he?" "Yeah, I think he's talking about consensual sex with someone his own age and dirt weed.")

Monday, February 1, 2010

Day Two

Good morning, got my coffee and I'm getting ready to roll. I never thought I'd be as excited about writing as I was creating songs, but I catch myself thinking about sections in this book, and how I'd like to handle them. It's not an easy project for me though. I stumbled through a very emotional section the other day, it was uncomfortable, tear filled, and hard. I don't like paying a price for anything, I want my things free--including my awareness, but I came out of it with an awakening on the nature of my jealousy and mistrust. I was glad that I'm kinda 3rd personing this piece, because it gave me a bit of distance from the pain...