Two Hundred Sixteen

It was hard to leave you this morning. I held your hand tight--an attempt to press my love into your flesh. I was hoping you would bruise--a miracle mark of two hearts entwined around a bamboo shaft, a symbol of resilience and love, the story of our lives together, but all you did was smile and gently wipe off my squeeze. I'll keep trying Katie and one day I'll mark you so deep that you never forget or doubt my love.

Two Hundred Fifteen

Your body refuses to be a conspirator in your guise--it fights me with every turn I take. My hand slides across your stomach, and your muscles ripple in angry protest to my touch. My lips graze your neck, and your very breath twists into my hair and attempts to push with its sweet scent. Your words tease me with there 'come-ons' but your soul rules the flesh. There's one lie you can't tell.

Two Hundred Fourteen

Shining, winding through the hills and houses on the point. I let you run ahead--as if I could stop you, and I watched in awe as you delivered as promised. Your majesty is not diminished as you ride. You are a warrior with soft hands and a polished steel heart.

Two Hundred Thirteen

Spin the wheel, and where it lands no one knows--clack...clack...clack...clack...clack--the wheel points north. And so we drive--along the coast through sea oil towns, over bridges to biscuits and gravy and fucked hollandaise. We round the headlands and after some tears and harsh words we stop along a cliff--"I'd rather you didn't jump my dear, but come closer and kiss our hurt away."

Two Hundred Twelve

Why the change? What happened to make you jump back in your hole--run for the open arms of the big man? Did the wild wolf of the world take a nip from your ass, or, in a quick case of animal soul switchery, did you see your shadow and run for safety? I hate to be the doubting human on this one, but something smells fishy, and it's not last nights dinner.

Two Hundred Eleven

A day in bed. Movies and nightshades, dark covers and kisses. I could go days in here, a safari to nowhere dressed in our bed clothes.

Two Hundred Ten

"Did you know he's a freak? Yes, he's a big man, and very strong, but his heart is like a child's. He's weak really, OCD, panic disorder, hypochondriac, he has a thousand ailments and they're all very crippling. I'm not sure why I'm with him really--I mean, other than the joy I get from beating on a big man, there's nothing there to attract me. Oh well, he's all I have for now, I'll call him over. Brother dear, meet my boyfriend."

Two Hundred Nine

A day filled with discussion and dissension--the price of admission and redemption. I'm not sure why you stand at the block begging for the culprit of your misdeeds to be released, but you do. You're not a monster my dear, you're just blindly feeling your way through a world you were unprepared for...and your head, the founder of this unsavory feast, it will soon come around. Just give it time my love, just give it time.

Two Hundred Eight

I recorded a video today and it was for no one but me. It was a piece to remind me, when I get weak, that you are worth every bit of the pain. My friends don't have the heart, or the fortitude, to love someone like you, so they can't help me. They'd run if they were in my shoes. But I'm not like them. I see you Kate, and I know what you're worth. Your love is priceless, and if you want a definition of that, then read this: incalculable. There's a fucking word for you. Your love is an infinity of reward and knowing that, makes any payment small.

Two Hundred Seven

I need to catch up. This blog is a run-away wagon on a steep San Pedro hill and I've got to get on board. I've got somewhere I have to be, a childhood destination. At the bottom of the hill, just around the corner from a suicide bend, is a lost city, it's the perfect place for a young boy that needs to disappear and reappear as someone else.

Two Hundred Six

So let me get this straight, you act out, but then I'm asked to make changes so you're more comfortable and confident in our relationship? Hmmm, I don't really understand it. Next thing I know, you're probably going to tell me that you can't handle what's going on and you need to leave me so you can feel better? Right?

Two Hundred Five

I'm fucking up. I'm missing posts and forgetting even the simplest of things. I think I'll blame it on you--I hope you don't mind--you should be flattered actually, there's not many that get under my skin, and you dear are burrowed so deep. By the way, I'm hurt.

Two Hundred Four

More of the same--paying me back for your fuck-up. I guess I should be honored, there's not many that fuck you over and then have the balls to blame you for it.

Two Hundred Three

Fuck You

Two Hundred Two

I saw someone today--a man who had nothing negative to say about our union. He didn't raise an eyebrow, or batt an eye, when I said that you were half my age, and newly sober. He thought it was nice that you felt safe with me. He smiled when I told him that after a few days together you went back to group. I'm not sure what to think of this--I told the truth, detailed some of our struggles, and still he wasn't unsupportive. Why don't you get the same reaction?

Two Hundred One

Do you want to see something? I have pictures of a grown man crying. It's funnier than fuck--although, a bit creepy at times. My favorite is the one where he thought he'd found love, and the woman in question, grinds a cigarette out on his heart.

Two Hundred

A moment of tense calm--tendrils of a new storm brush against my legs seeking soft purchase on my body. The first strike will fall sometime before noon. Rustling in the bed above me. My five day roommate knows the score in his sleep, but by morning he'll have forgotten the warnings and moved on. The lake is beginning to overflow with blood.

One Hundred Ninety-Nine

I need to evict a few thoughts--they're troublemakers, loud, and obnoxious hangers on from an old negative life. I'm not sure when they moved in, but they're dug in like ticks. I guess I wouldn't mind so much as long as they were quiet, but they're not, you see, anytime my girl is involved in a questionable incident, they wander out on the lawn, yell obscenities, and accuse her of being up to no good.

One Hundred Ninety-Eight

It's good to have a partner, someone that can be trusted, someone that loves you, someone that knows you're on the edge of breaking--and instead of pushing you over, they pull you back and dust you off.............Thank you.

One Hundred Ninety-Seven

I'm pulling for you, and I'm pulling for us--I've never wanted anything so bad in my life. Sweetheart, you can do it, you're a survivor, you're strong, and you're resilient, I will not loose faith in you.

One Hundred Ninety-Six

So your ego is not about to let you have a good time eh? Well, how bout this, what say you and I take that big ego of yours and knock it down to size? I guarantee that we'd all have a better time when your ego gets its ass in line.

One Hundred Ninety-Five

Baby, you know how creepy I can get sometimes, but don't let it frighten you, the madness is only in my head. The fantasy of dreams and dark scenario's is exciting for me, and it takes nothing from you. As a matter of fact, you are the star of my plays--the tall leading lady with the heartbreak eyes and the sunset smile. When I dream my love, I dream of you, the fallen angel of my heart.

One Hundred Ninety-Four

Lunch was wonderful--the golden brown glow of a slightly green and one darker brown pair of eyes set my appetite towards flesh instead of salad. I could hardly eat anyway--they say you have to smell to taste your food, and all I could inhale was you--my lover, my reason for eating at all.

One Hundred Ninety-Three

I couldn't help but think, that you thought you were doing me a favor, by letting me write to you and tell you that I was okay, so that you wouldn't worry.

One Hundred Ninety-Two

Not to be so wishy-washy, but your letter threw six stitches and some crazy glue on my heart. I was kinda wishing you'd sneak over for a good night kiss though.

One Hundred Ninety-One

So where do I start, with the anger, the hurt, the fear? Why don't I begin with the letter of amends I sent to your friend--whom I passively threatened. How do you think that felt, having to apologize for my inappropriate reaction to having my heart crushed. You lost respect for me, you turned your back on me, and you rejected the love I tried to give you. I hurt, but I need to see you as something other than an attacker. I need to see you as sick and not vindictive. I need to see you as a woman who hurt as she was hurt, and I need to see myself as something more than victim, something more than a little boy who doesn't deserve to be loved. I guess I should start with that, I deserve to be loved.

One Hundred Ninety

"Please, don't hurt me again."

One Hundred Eighty-Nine

It's rare, but I do it, I forget to post, and I forget that my goal is to be loved, as to love. (excuse the punctuation my copy editor is a bit nutty)

One Hundred Eighty-Eight

So I've decided to stay as long as you need me--a hired gun backing your play against a ruthless disease. So what do you need, do you want me to lay down a stream of bullets so you can make an escape, or do you want me to stand behind you--only jumping in if they gang up on you? I'd take a slug for you sweetheart, and maybe thats a misguided commitment, but I love you, and you're worth it.

One Hundred Eighty-Seven

Hows it feel? Is it good for you, hurting me like this? I bet your friends would be proud. "He's a 6'3 heterosexual male with a full head of hair, lets get him."

One Hundred Eighty-Six

I wonder if having the ability to instantly remove fear and anger would help me? Sometimes maybe, but I think it makes me stronger to hurt, and being weak, if I could shut the pain off, I think I'd do it before I could grow. I'm furious right now. I want to strike out for what you've done. I want to hurt you like you hurt me, but I won't, so I give myself a time-out, and I'll let the pain tear my insides up, and you'll continue having a good time oblivious to the damage you've done.